Channeling my inner quitter

"Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are."  Arthur Golden

Last week, when the "family" frame fell from the dresser and sent shattered glass spilling all over the floor I started to wonder if was an omen.  I considered for a brief moment the current level of my inner strength and wondered how much longer I could hang on, trying to keep our family bound together.


I have a closet full of inspiring quotes hung on every available nook and cranny. My desk is a catchall for books devoted to playing life full out, and most days I tend to be a person ready with an extra dose of support and encouragement. Friends often call when they are stuck in a dilemma, or thinking about quitting their job, or quitting their spouse. But yesterday at about 2 o'clock in the middle of a picture-perfect suburban community and on a day dedicated to a man who never gave up fighting for what was right, I found myself in a place I don't visit too often, that place of wanting to quit. A priest once told me that at any time I experienced evil or negative thoughts that I should mark my body with the sign of the cross. Recalling this today, I did it and asked God to have mercy on me, and that was really the best I could do. It wasn't even a wholehearted cross, more of a resigned and unbelieving one.


If your life is anything like mine, you probably have had at one time or another a source of chronic stress that has caused you pain.  Well today, I guess I was channeling my inner quitter because something deep inside of me just fell on the floor screaming and kicking like a small child. I just wanted it to stop. I was tired of doing the right thing and tired of things being so unfair. I was tired, frankly, of all of my prayers going unanswered. 


Tired of thinking about it and tired of being supportive about it. I was hurt and a little bitter, and was too tired to try and cover it up or pretend I was okay.  On the phone with my husband, I could only offer as a response something to the effect of  'I'm not in a good place about this today', and left it at that. I am glad that my cell signal was not that great because it probably would've been worse to give my defeated thoughts the mic.  My husband is extremely perceptive, and knowing this about me he was gracious to help me end the conversation. 


As I watched the children in my charge playing happily on the playground, I could not shake the negative feelings I had, and if there had been a bar at said playground, a stiff drink would have been the next thing on my list.  I kept thinking on it and justifying that I had given it my all, and that I had done every possible thing right and there was nothing left for me to do. This train has been a long time coming, and with its force so unyielding, I have been on the look out, imagining how surely it will knock me down.  My friends and the world at-large would probably understand and support my exit, stage left - a graceful bowing out - at this point.  


To tell you that I love this small person would be a major understatement.  Having her missing from the day to day has been like an operation whose chief result was the amputation of one of my limbs. The past three years of my life have been an unwelcome exercise in false accusation, rejection, and heartbreak.  This is how convinced I was... Until I opened up my Bible to Galatians 6:9: 


"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." 


Riiiiight. 


I am all about finding great, inspiring quotes in the Bible, don't get me wrong.  Especially when those verses that I stumble upon justify or support my position.  But when my thoughts are like these, finding God's answer to my problem isn't always something I welcome. Because when I read Paul's letter to Galatia, I know I'm wrong.  I know my way of thinking is faulty.  The good old Apostle must have been onto something there.  You do see the promise in that verse, don't you?  It took me a while.


And the thing is, I either believe the Word of God, or I don't.  So which is it?


It sometimes seems that the deeper my communion with God, the more things in my life go haywire.  Paul's words are just as true and just as important as remembering what John has to say to us: "the thief does not come except to steal, to kill and to destroy" (John 10:10).  Sometimes our captivity is so extreme, that only the power of God can rescue and deliver us, or those who have been lost to us. Being overcome with despair or disillusionment about a situation is natural - even Elijah faced the desire to give up.  The only one in the nation of Israel who was being true to God - cried out "It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life".  The Bible reminds us in times like these, the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow is able to provide the strength we lack and the strength we need.


And I have to remember, in all of this, being saved doesn't mean being safe. If anything, accepting that invitation to new life in Christ is anything but safe, lest we forget how things ended for Christ and many of his disciples. Being saved doesn't mean things will be easy, or that things will be fair. Contrary to some schools of thought, it does not mean that I will have a perfect family or that I will get the best parking spot at the grocery store. But I know that in spite of this world, and in spite of myself, I am called not to simply to have faith, but to do God's work and God's will. 


God's work. Not my work until I see no more use in doing it. God's will be done. Not my will until I'm disillusioned with the potential outcome.  If I have any inkling about what He is up to in this world, I know that He bonded her to me for a very good reason.  Never has a child needed to be loved so unconditionally and so purely.  And though at this particular moment in time, she doesn't know the whole truth and I'm not in a position to tell her, and perhaps even later down the road things won't end up how I think they should, I realize that this world works on His time frame, not mine.  It is not my job to determine outcome or even to avoid failure, it is only my job to not grow weary in doing good.  To take comfort in following the advice of someone very familiar with failure and to "never give up, never give up, never give up". 


Me: God, what if she doesn't ever learn the true story of how much we love her? 
God: Love her anyway. 
Me: What if all the work that we do to try and fix the breakage fails miserably?
God: Try anyway. 
Me: What if everything we labor and build for her gets destroyed overnight? 
God: Build anyway.  
Me: What if? What if? What if? 
God: My child, My child, My grace is sufficient for you. 


2 Corinthians 12:9 "and he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." 


There are some times in my life where I think it would just be plain easier if I still had my mom or dad around to seek advice from.  But through these unspeakable losses, God has shown me that He can be trusted and that I can lean on Him for all my troubles.  He will give me the strength to get through today, even when I'm in a mess, unraveling and tearing at the seams.  For some lyrical thoughts on not giving up, please check out this awesome song, Mended, by The Autumn Film.


Sometimes it is easy to want to stop doing good, because it appears to be doing no good at all.  It is very true that the work we do for the Lord is not usually tangible and trackable.  I can't measure my results in the same way I can with my real estate sales, or with my half-marathon time.  As a friend reminded me today - we seek to live Gods story, not our own. That His story of grace might be seen through (or perhaps at times, in spite of) our lives and our actions.


God, have mercy on me, a weak and wounded sinner who sometimes forgets just how extraordinarily you love me. And how you call me to love others in the same extraordinary fashion.